the truth is
for so long i followed the conventional path for finding myself.
thinking it was found outside of me. seeking it in everything around me. i’d look for it in the plant hobby i had, the books i read. the new course i decided to take that was FINALLY going to give me a sense of purpose. the brush i picked up to create my own master piece.
but i began to realise when ego is in control of my experience. i don’t experience it in the same way. it become a measure of who i am. a yard stick to show others who i am and for myself to feel safe and comfortably defined by.
for so many years when someone would ask me during my 20s so katrianna what are you up to now!? it always felt like i had to fill the space, the openness, the BEing, with an answer.
so in true good person form, i’d answer “oh well you know taking care of the kids” or “oh i work with a community magazine” or “oh i do nails”.
what was always honestly amazing to me in all those moments i usually most wanted to answer “nothing” but even if i did utter that word out loud, within seconds my ego would begin to fill the space, the silence, by inserting things i was working on.
to live a life where someone is always constantly telling you “you have so much potential” was sometimes the most stifling words i could ever hear.
it’s amazing to me how we all hear the words of others directed at us, but in an instant we immediately put our spin and perception on it.
what i heard when someone said those words to me was that i was wasting my life away doing “nothing.” nothing as i began to define it for myself; meant i was doing no thing of purpose, i was taking up space in the world and not contributing to it.
which honestly as i type these words and share them publicly i laugh at them for the mere thought of WOW look at the shit i was telling myself.
i grew up in a household where my mother was a stay at home mom. and it’s funny how the things we want the most sometimes are the exact things we create stories around, that it isn’t who we are.
for me that was creating the story that i wouldn’t be like my mother and i would work. again stories spun based on my perceptions, my ego’s twisted lens. when knowingly i knew that was exactly what i wanted. i did want to be like my mom. i wanted to be there, and be present and with my kids in all the years when they needed me the most.
and physically i was. i recognised pretty quickly, that at the point i was in my life/career, i couldn’t “afford” to work and pay for babysitting and so i stayed home and decided to brave the self-employed route instead (again i laugh at how i always got every single beautiful thing i wanted and instead of enjoying it. i continued to tell myself it was not enough.)
soul/spirit/love/god whatever you may call it, came through for me yet again in 2011 (i had my daughter in 2009 and was pregnant with my son). i did find a job that enabled me to work from home for the next 8 years in absolute perfect peace. but ego yet again stepped in telling me it wasn’t enough and i needed MORE.
i had to control the entire experience or it wasn’t going to be fulfilling enough. ego kept telling me i needed more money, i needed more stuff, my life was a mess according to it. how could i settle for this nonsense? look at all the people around me doing all these things and i can’t even stand on my own two feet (more ego stories).
i am an independent woman, mother, wife, how dare i depend on anyone. i must do it myself. no one can help me. i cannot depend on anyone. it’s me against the world. i am all alone. (and again i share these words boldly, openly and go wow ego truly did a number on me.)
i convinced myself that my life was in shambles at every turn. that the “perfect” life i had was never enough. and on every instance i fought tooth and nail to burn it all to the ground.
rent paid. husband who loves me. a work-from-home job. two beautiful kids. how dare you katrianna, ego kept telling me and kept telling me it wasn’t enough. i needed more.
i bring these words to light before you. firstly because i stand here in total vulnerability, and because i am not ashamed.
and because i genuinely believe other people’s ego’s stories sound just as crazy and insane in slightly different forms. but there is a common thread and theme. that we don’t deserve what we have, we need more to be more, and that who we are as we are isn’t enough. and it’s the biggest lie we tell ourselves.
that we don’t deserve the love that we do have in our lives right now. and we fight it at every stage. telling ourselves we need more love. we need more everything. and our ego takes us on the journey to find this elusive more outside of ourselves because it knows if we ever dare to turn within, it dies.
so i ask this question genuinely in this moment. can you see the ways in which you have gotten every single thing you have actually ever wanted, but ego has taught you it is not enough and that to truly enjoy anything you have you need more to do so? i’d love to hear from you below ↡
in becoming i give myself space to be.
all my love always,
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