the fear to share

everywhere you turn there’s a post of someone sharing their lives, their accomplishments, what they're currently doing. this hamster wheel of life. some share only the good parts, some share the good and the bad. and some say nothing at all. but the spice of life is in the variety isn’t it?

i think my fear of sharing started in my teens, when celebrating my accomplishments was viewed as “boasting” just because i was brave enough to be proud of myself in a world that values the quiet. bold, loud, isn’t something we usually look for in a woman. we want quiet amenable women. and i am not that. but somehow, somewhere the words “self-praise is no praise” have deeply stuck with me even though i boldly responded to those words that “self-praise is the best praise cause we are our own worst enemies”.

and i meant it, but at the same time didn’t realise i also internalised in my boldness that i should stay quiet.

as you all have known, i’ve had a rollercoaster relationship with social media. something in this brain’s wiring has me creating ridiculous stories around it. sometimes i see social media as play, sometimes i see social media as a total curse (hmm could it be the damn hormones!? since this largely depends on the time of month! haha) but i’ve noticed that it comes in waves.

when i am open and playful it is effortless and then when i naturally close and go inward i beat myself up for that. during that closed time, i am more sensitive everything is intense, the perceived failures feel stronger, like they will break me and rather than letting the wave pass, i get so lost in the thoughts that i forget to see the light. i forget that it is momentary. i forget that despite old storylines i am always safe. but it is amazing to notice how activated the fight or flight response gets. and also how overwhelming it can feel.

everything in life feels so full on now that i am no longer suppressing my emotions in favour of “good” ones only. that means that when something is felt it is felt SO INTENSELY and in those moments the narratives can have the greatest opportunity to latch on and create total and utter chaos if i am not just with the emotion and ride the wave. just noticing the rise and fall. sometimes i get lost in the narrative of the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” beating myself up because i “shouldn’t” be experiencing this still the thoughts tell me.

i begin to take it all too seriously.

up and down that’s how this whole story of life goes. and the storylines we create around those apparent up and downs are what cause the immense grief and guilt for things that just inherently are. the thoughts become the fighting of what just is. the thoughts tell us we must regain control. control of what though? the thoughts?

i used to think and the joke is in those exact words “i” and “thinking” are words we are so attached to that we never create the space necessary between those words to realise thoughts are just happening and when we attach to them and inset the “i” the “me” we create the most grief for ourselves.

i suppose this whole reflection is just a recognition of the story that is repeating here. everything rises to the surface to be brought to the light that we inherently just are. to be brought right here to show here is all there ever is and that our freaking out on past storylines or the ones we are creating for the future are all just empty.

that my fears of being seen, of taking up space, of using my voice to share still terrify me and send me into silence. but it’s ok to not be silent. sharing can just be sharing, we are social creatures after all. so rather than create storylines around my sharing that no one wants to hear this or i’m doing it for attention or insert whatever bullshit here. i can just do it or not do it and just allow the play and ride the waves. the up and down without getting so attached to it having to “be” anything at all :)

a reminder to myself today to just play. ♡

all my love always,
katrianna ♡

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