a journey of nothingness

for no one. apparently.

i have shared some of this experience, though sometimes it feels like vaguely. of the apparent unraveling that has been occurring here for some time. and i share these words openly, because even trying to express them equals a whole lot of emptiness, which honestly has scared me for quite some time. and of course it would because the me doesn’t want this does it. it doesn’t want to discover truly that it’s never been real because it would mean its end. but that’s the paradox because there was never a me to discover a damn thing anyway. and it was all just a story of “meing” occurring for absolutely no one.

beautiful nothingness in this abyss.

when you’ve identified with the labels you’ve placed on yourself, adopted, throughout your lifetime, when they begin to fall away and you feel a lack of identification with them you can feel some serious existential dread, or it can feel utterly carefree, neither one right nor wrong, just what appears to happen beautifully as it is.

sometimes there can just be this constant nagging feeling of lostness, always seeking to find something to alleviate that feeling. because it must be something out there outside of us that we are missing, or so we tell ourselves. only to find or achieve whatever it is we thought we longed for to recognise, that wasn’t it either.

this beautiful loop apparently seeking and finding, all happening for no one. i admit, when i first heard the words there is no “you” apparent thoughts arose to prove that there was very much a me. memories, feelings, experiences that all apparently happened to me. being born, living life, losing friends, having family members die, finding the love of my life, having children, becoming a mom, of course they happened to me the thoughts said. and i went oh you’re probably right and continued on. because when everyone is having this experience, when everyone is so identified with “what’s happening” when you get the feeling that something just feels off, it’s easy to convince yourself that you are completely crazy and jump right back into being all those thoughts you tell yourself you are.

feeling crazy can be so natural, and so fucking scary at the same time haha and it’s fucking beautiful. it’s ego at its best haha, ego hides behind so many words. morphing them, changing their meaning, gas lighting us constantly into believing that anything other than what we are taught to believe as real, is a lie. so beautifully intricate. so beautifully mesmerising. this is it. haha

so here “i” am in this apparent story going on this apparent journey, seeking to find absolutely fucking nothing. nothing being everything. nothing parading as something, totally everything, and everything is totally nothing. mind fuck right!? i have been sharing this exact story, in “my” own way for some time now. i mean it’s been “my” experience all of my fucking life really. seeing this, convincing myself i see nothing, rinse and repeat, always tethering an edge. and it’s fucking brilliantly stunning haha.

convincing myself that i have to find myself, when there is no me to ever find. i type these words with the biggest smile. laughing at the irony of it all. laughing at how crazy it can all sound to a “me” until it just doesn’t seem crazy at all anymore. and it’s like you’re seeing through this imaginary veil, the veil that’s not even there, supposedly hiding everything from nothing.

what the hell is katrianna even saying in this email. absoutely fucking nothing. but it’s been percolating here wanting to come out somewhere. so here it is.

i shared a couple days ago that i have 1:1’s available. please note, they are just a big empty space to contemplating the nothingness. because after seeing through all the filters of having to offer “something” to “someone” it’s seen there’s just “nothing” i can offer to “no one”. come with an open mind, and open empty spaciousness to just be everything and nothing all at the same time.

the spiritual journey masquerades as this, until you see the journey was just a lie. and even that, not even true. because we so see a “lie” as a bad thing, conditioned trained. but the lie just is, beautifully this, expressing itself as it is.

i hope you find the peace you are so desperately searching for. because to know it, is to know you were already always it, seeking to find that which you already are. smile. because it’s beautifully it :)

all my love always,
katrianna ♡

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